Hope for a Grieving Heart

Practical Advice When Speaking to a Person Experiencing a Loss

 

We have all been there, someone you know had lost a person close to them. You are standing there, face to face, and you don’t know what to say.  If you were like me, before my losses in life, you either…

 

A. said nothing at all, gave a sad look and quickly left before you had to say something,  

B. said the worst thing possible.

As anyone who has experienced loss will tell you, they have had both A. and B. happen to them.  Most grieving people have learned to deal with this, and make the most of things, but if you really want to minister to someone who has experienced loss, the following are just a few practical things that have helped not just me, but others I have spoken and ministered to.

 

Don’t say “If you need anything call me.”  You may really mean what you are saying, but most grieving people use all of their energy getting from one minute of the day to the next. The thought of picking up to phone, and making a phone call is daunting, therefore most will never make the first move.  Most grieving people are really hoping that someone would care enough to call them, to check on them, to seek out what they need.

 

Don’t say “they are in better place.”  If the person who has passed was a Christian, this is certainly a true statement, and it may bring comfort later, but in the first days of a loss, it is not what a grieving person wants to hear.  All they can think about is missing their loved one, and wishing they were with them at that moment.  Say instead something like, “I know how much you are missing ___________, I am praying God will grant you peace that passes all understanding, and that God Himself will heal the hole in your heart that you are feeling with your loss.”  This acknowledges the loss and the pain that is associated with it, plus it offers prayers for peace, which truly can only come from God.

 

Do ask open ended questions:  don’t ask the question how are you doing?  You will usually get a “fine” and that is it.  Most grieving people don’t even quite know how to answer, and instead to trying to put words to what they are feeling, they say something that will make the conversation end so they can get out of it.  Ask a question, like “how are you holding up?” This type of question will usually get a more honest answer.  Ask about their struggles with something like “What is your biggest struggle today?” or “What do you need help with today?”

 

 

Do make yourself available, for when the grieving person wants to talk, or needs something.  Always make the first move.

 

In the initial days of a loss, even scripture can seem like platitudes. However well meaning, and appropriate it might seem, real comfort comes with time.  Just be there, to listen and to cry with the person is usually all a grieving person is seeking.  Scripture will definitely help later.

 

Do send cards on a regular basis.  Cards are comforting, but usually stop coming shortly after the funeral is over.  To get a card a month or two after is very comforting, it means you haven’t forgotten.  Take note of the date and send a card on the anniversary, this lets the grieving person know you still haven’t forgotten.

 

The main thing is the grieving person wants to know that you care, now is not the time to walk away, but to draw close.  Follow their lead; if they want to talk, listen. If they want to hear what you have to say, they will tell you.  Mostly just be there, and always, pray, pray, pray.